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Author: Sandee Gertz

Simon’s Garden

Marigolds, marigolds, marigolds, he madly sings
with his lovely knotted hands, night perfumes of the one most perfect thing.

Potting half-blind, with a gnarled palm, the doggerel of a crippling love,
washing his impertinent past, grouting, cleaving the wolven half-sounds.

Painting now those frail laryngeal petals, of indestructible meaning,
the fragrance of fresh marigolds that clasp the sun in the tumbling nubby twilight.

Geraniums, geraniums, geraniums he cries, and the sky goes black
as the black-eyed Susans, black tulips, and Simon with his crooked blacked out teeth.

There where he straightens the nasturtium’s spine, and waves his wand,
above the chain of boulevards in the Capucine, whispering in a Celtic song.

Kneeling by the entrance that low lines the ground, lilting toward the heart
that rounds the gouache of thick watercolour, a triptych of night stars.

Lifting his brush into a tiny fury, the enthusiasm of one more hourglass glance
breaking the earth with the sulk of incandescence, a garden of gratitude and clandestine wrath.

Shingly little tiny stones pollinated from a boulder eighty million years old,
the wild quiet coast, pummeled, and the gaping orange peonies, festering with ants.

Tarting up the mole-hilled lot with impatience, petulant monkey flowers, thyme, clover and lavender
and the Durban white daisies with faded buttons, laced by toothless yellow bones.

In the rough box, a gigantic fuchsia, tied tall with a ribbon of string, named after Nana
the old dog he loved so much, whose wagging tail purses still suddenly in his dreams.

Another he calls Christina, hardy as the whizzing of hummingbirds’ wings
gone now, glib and deathless as the sea wolf gilded inside.

And a third spiraling on a trellis, in memory of Suzie Dow, the niece whom so he loved
loathing the dalliance that blesses her unrequited name.

Captain, oh my captain, as slowly he weeps, the corpulent noise, lacelike in the marrow,
the universe at war with war, in every flower, that goes untried, and undrawn there.

In two hundred million years the Himalayas, will be plains, the sea his rotting teeth
and nothing more or less true than the stars, as far as they are near.

The bloom in the vase, vassal and Lord, even now signing the both of us,
“here there be dragons”, they say in an odd vehicle of tongue.

At the edge of the universe, the sparrow kings pluck the dying light, night of the hungry ghosts
the local fisherman chant ex voto, the unanswered prayers of hope and joy.

The skylark seed bursting into climbing flowers, chasing a godless god
wild tropes in the little lanes, collapsing under the weight of the roses.

Dear, dear, loveable friend, may your masked eyes, catch moonlight
in your frayed palsied hand, that holds the homeless there, smiting the structured glacial sounds.

In the long night of human, the wild chant, in the green hangers of every wild flower
that blossom in the last of us.

A bright moon shrinks, shines on stray cats and lover’s untroubled lips
and nothing speaks.

Valleys

Healers have the habit
of tending to leprosy
in everyone but themselves.
I don’t want to be found.
I don’t want to be saved.
I don’t want to rile up
old demons and wounds
and burn bridges before
I’ve built them.

I’ve swam deserts and wandered
until my lungs heaved heavy
from breathing heat and converting
lost footpaths into highways
for someone else to find.
I’m sore and spotted
as an uncaged ocelot,
hiding in a sullied canyon,
growling secrets to stones
older than the rings of Saturn,
asking if there are still
pristine things left to discover.

There must be.

Let’s explore the part of you
that finds a cave-in concealed from anyone
without the secret language to enter.
You can whisper open padlocks,
rummage up ruins from lost silver cities,
unearth doors boarded up from storms
long-since passed but warily remembered,
their residual terror tattooed in rust.
Speak it open in whatever way
you imagined conquistadors
before you knew better
and before you knew memory
and before you knew not every heart
ached as deeply as yours.

I can glisten good as any fool,
and I can hold onto things
heavier than you can carry.
And the soft of my mouth will leave you
bitten and unafraid, cat-eyed
and ripping open,
burlap sacks of gold coins
like a ceiling of stars finally allowed to rest
into their next bright night.

I’m not that hard to find.
Even healers need healing
sometimes.

Inheritance

She left me keys to a house
where no one can live.
They’re tearing it down Tuesday
and putting a vape shop in,
but today they razed the lilacs,
shore their heads like enlistees,
a violet bloodbath of petals
dying on the front lines.
Had they known how she sang
to them each morning,
a cathead biscuit tucked into
each pocket for the squirrels,
perhaps they’d understand why
I gulp gasped in the grass
of her lawn— their lawn—
as the flower clusters collapsed
and branches trapped me breathless
in a driveway I no longer knew.

“Somebody to Love”

I bought this car to prove I could
and now, as I wait to turn left
a man exits the Quik-Stop,

black sweats sagging, pantlegs
shirred halfway up his narrow calves.
He’s probably my age, maybe even

a one-time middle-school messiah.
He slouches down the sidewalk,
knees hinging like a marionette

as if in time to Grace Slick,
who’s up so loud the ragtop throbs.
He gestures toward traffic with a tall-boy

then folds to the curb. How I envy him.
My tongue swells as the cold slides
down his throat, jaw slackening,

the world easing up a little.
My sister drank the same brand
when her check ran thin.

The last time I saw her
she drove up to the house, window down.
Come on, she said. It hadn’t been long

since I couldn’t say no, veins drawn tight
brain to toes—so I went inside.
I wish she was here. She’d settle down

on the curb beside him, light a cigarette,
put her hand out for his beer.
And he would give it to her,

the joke passing between their eyes—
me still in my lane
mouthing the words to the song,

you better find somebody to love.

Undertow


Newspaper crumpling, my sister
sops up vinegar from a bowl,
the window squeaking as she scrubs
at its watery promise.

She’s taller than me, even on her knees,
hair back, jaw set as her hand
circles then dips, circles then dips,
stops. Even I can see she’s distracted

from the messy house by sunlight
sliding through glass in long angular plates
as if life is about to bloom.
The ice in our mother’s glass shifts

and my sister’s braid sways,
her slender arm returns
to circling. I have no idea
who I will be without her.

Christ Born Silent


“Why isn’t he crying?”
I look up to the Angel her sleeves rolled back
Covered in my fluids
Thousands of drops coat her fingers
My blood the brightest, cakes her pale hands,
The hands holding my son

He’s not the glass doll in the nativity set
He’s limp
Silent
Silent night, holy night
She looks up with blue eyed horror
This is not the perfect scene

He was supposed to be loud, hungry and gorgeous
I look as she takes a single white nail and cuts the cord
One swipe we are no longer one
The boy I screamed to hold
He didn’t scream back
Silent night, holy night

She rushes away holding him
Like if she doesn’t cradle his neck and back He might fall in two
That’s when it started, my sobs
The need to stand up
I was bleeding, split in two
I tried to stand and cried like a dog hit by it’s owners truck

Shock and need to get away, away, away
Joseph wrapped me in his arms
To comfort me?
No, to keep me still
Pin the weeping cow as her calf
is ripped toward the meat drawer

Next to me in the dirty broken barn
The donkey’s ears twitch
Eyes wide as it lets out a quiet huff
I knew she was a Jill
In her eyes was a mother
who’s waited like me before
Silent night, holy night

The Angel shook
I could hear her teeth chatter
God didn’t prepare her for a dead savior
Her wings were tall
making a white feathery wall
Blocking me from my boy

I hate her
She delivered my son
She’s saving my son
She’s here to protect us and I hate her
If he doesn’t live
What am I?
A game

Nine months of pain
Morning sickness
Feet swollen into hooves
Tears fat and stupid
I was a dancing fool
The bells ringing above my head

I thought it confirmation he was with me
All it had been was a jester’s hat
Hot tears rolled down my cheeks
I pushed myself away from Joseph
who loved me through everything
My pretty saintly bullshit became his
I was an idiot

I hate god
Give me my son
I’m not asking I’m telling
Don’t let him be a painful transaction
Don’t let him die in a crash he didn’t cause
Don’t make me the foolish dancing monkey

I was fourteen dammit when you asked me
Of course I’d say yes
How dare you
How fucking dare you take my boy
My beautiful sweet, gorgeous, giving, dead, dead, dead-

A single long cry that made my aching core sew itself together
My tears felt like foreign objects on my skin
I didn’t know why they’d be there when’s he’s here
The Angel holds him like a precious thing
A holy thing
A gorgeous gorgeous thing

All mine to love and hold
She sets him in my arms
one hand on his neck the other on his back
I grin like a fool
He’s covered in the filth from my body
I lay a hand on his naked chest his heart beating

It’s gonna run dry one day
To bleed away all wrongs and make all rights
as gorgeous as him
But right now he’s making little squeaks
Tiny confused cries
And when he latches onto my chest I feel him feed

His crying stops
It’s a silent night, a holy night
That’s when I understand why the whole world sings