“Well I’ll be honest,” I texted with tentative thumbs, “I’m probably not as experienced as you. I mean, I’m a virgin haha…”
I sighed at the light press of send and read the message again. I was relieved to be saying this through the protective shield of my phone and not face to face with those intense eyes and all-knowing smile. I stared at my innocent white letters surrounded in the perfect blue bubble.
My very first boyfriend replied quickly, black against gray. “I don’t mind J”
I have always been adverse to sexuality. Acting since I was twelve, I have encountered the odd actor with whom I didn’t exactly want to be alone in a dressing room. The older man hovering too much when I changed costumes backstage, the sexually frustrated cast-mate who wanted to really kiss and not stage it, the musical dance-partner who had me sit on his lap between numbers, the bisexual actress who touches too much. This defensiveness delayed relationships for me, which I am entirely glad of because I found my passion in acting and writing and put all my efforts into those skills. Though I find myself being 21, about to graduate college, and still a virgin.
virginity does not define me. I do not stand before our campus fire pit, (which
is far too reminiscent of Harry Potter’s Goblet of Fire to take seriously,) and
declare my virgin-hood for all to hear. Yet, it must be obvious because I am
not always treated like other college age women. It could be the delayed
chuckle I make when a certain joke goes careening over my head, or the outright
questions I ask my all too patient friends that lends proof to my status.
matter what factors into other people’s assumptions of me, I am put into the
category: naïve. Suddenly, classmates younger than I am, refuse to show me what
pictures they are laughing at. I am talked to as though my lacking experience
in just one area makes me somehow less worldly or intelligent.
virgins are an extremely unanalyzed little species, even a study
that took twenty three years realized how understudied they have been.
Part of the problem studying virgins is how reluctant they are to admit they
have not had sex and what reasons have prevented them from sex, especially
males. Yet here we are, silently skulking around like the endangered snow
leopard. But why the silence? Why is a virgin so pressured in college to deny
or conform that they end up never sharing that aspect about themselves?
look at high school. In a public high school, in my experience, being a female
virgin was the safest category in which an adolescent could fall. Imagine the
scene in Hunchback of Notre Dame where the poor gypsy mother is about to
be killed by Count Frollo, but at the title cathedral, she screams “Sanctuary!”
and is spared. Well, Count Frollo is every unforgiving teenager hunting for
rumors to mold into living nightmares of disgusting gossip. But if the helpless
gypsies say they are a virgin, there is nothing to mold. Yes, other subjects
could be targeted by bullies: looks, weight, acne, sexuality etc., but a bullet
was dodged if a female remained abstinent.
A male virgin is ridiculed until either surrendering and having a sexual encounter, or feeling shame and inferiority among male peers. A non-virgin female was labelled “easy,” which was the kindest of the disgusting stereotypes. Fair or not, (certainly not,) that was high school.
Now, those boys who were ruthlessly bullied in high school have joined fraternities, hoping to have as much sex as inhumanly possible. Suddenly, the non-virgin ladies are goddesses, worshiped and constantly pursued by those leg-humping man-puppies. I am a repellent, the opposite of what college guys desire. I wear the labels, “high maintenance” and “too much work.” Thus, my inner snow leopard retreats into solitude.
a break in our rehearsal, when all the seniors go outside to smoke under the
archway outside the theatre, I was pulled aside by the stage manager. She was a
tall redheaded bear of a woman, a veteran of the college party scene. She took
me by the shoulder and bestowed her wisdom upon me, a feeble freshman.
a house down the street, Em,” she heaved sour smoke into the fall chill of
evening, “If you’re ever invited there, just say no. That place is really, really
bad. If you do end up there, and they pass a plate or a bowl around, just
say no. Just, just say no, hun. You won’t like it. That place was even rough
cackled a smoker’s laugh, but the lines in her face showed regret. I knew which
house she meant: a dilapidated white plantation style house with a Greek
tapestry draped over the balcony, usually decorated for Christmas or Halloween,
completely abandoned looking during the day. At night, large and lifted trucks
lined the street around the house and music throbbed through its hollow foundation.
I held no interest in going there anyway, not that I was ever invited.
friend, a hybrid between the good Catholic conservative gal and the absolute
party animal, (far more common than you’d think,) told me she too was a virgin.
She lived unaware of a very specific reputation among the male party-goers of
the dreaded white house.
does everything but. Well, everything BUTT.” Snickers ensued.
years later and still, never have I ever, attended a college party. These types
of guys, stocked with “plates” and “bowls” of no-thank-you products and fresh-out
of respect, do not appeal to me.
There is another category of college men, especially in the South, who would charitably accept a poor unfortunate virgin. The Christian Male. Picture thin legs exposed by pastel shorts and plaid button up, brown Sperry’s, and some kind of printed sock which they find makes them unique. The Christian Male is he who seeks a virtuous bride who goes to church Wednesday nights, Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, VBS, Youth Camp, Youth choir… Even though I did not check any of those confessional boxes, some thought I could still be saved. But after insisting that I was spiritual not religious, and disdained marriage, and focus only on acting, they write me off as unworthy. Then the mood changes to a dark interest in my sinful career path.
would you be naked or do nudity?”
you have sex on screen?”
Alas, I am too high maintenance for the
Frat Boy, and too godless for the Christian Male.
students attend my University. I wonder how many would admit they were in the
same predicament as I am. How many Frat Boys were turned down until they
resorted to pack-mentality and joined a group? How many Christian Males are
looking for wives so they can finally check that one empty box. Susan
Sprecher and Stanislav Treger found that men are far less up front about
their virginity than women, but women reported more pressure to change their
virginity status. How many young men and women finally give in and conform to
conforming could have an academic effect. According to “READING, WRITING, AND
SEX: THE EFFECT OF LOSING VIRGINITY ON ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE,” virgins have higher
grade point averages than sexually active students. Though my grades remained
strong, it was my commitment to a relationship (without sex,) that made
me feel there could be adverse effects for me.
just don’t write as much anymore,” I explained, the words hurting as they left
that’s my fault?” The all-knowing smile vanished, distorted by confusion and
anger. We were breaking up, another act I never experienced before.
But I need to be able to write, and I can’t distract myself with-”
I’m a distraction.”
a way to end a relationship and hurt a good man. Well done, Emma. It is
difficult, to tell someone you do not want to have sex with them because it is
just too serious and your career and creativity come first. They stop listening
after: you do not want to have sex with them. It is not a believable enough
excuse, a career. It must be them. Something must be wrong with them.
closed my eyes and rubbed my pounding forehead, unable to look at what I was
doing to the person in front of me. Never again.
learned from my first and only relationship that I must be a college virgin. I cannot focus on school,
and acting, and writing, and a companion. With homework
and memorizing sometimes 600 lines of play dialogue a semester, with as much
writing as I could squeeze in between everything, there is just no time to have
a serious partnership.
is another option which has been brought up to me by ladies who were well
versed in the art of hookups. One night stands. I cannot consider one night
stands without considering STDs. CL Shannon
and JD Klausner found that of the 20 million new STIs in
the United States each YEAR, half of the cases are of people my age. 1 in 4
adolescent females (15-24) have an STI. The rate of STIs for women and men who
have sex with men have been rising since 2014. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
here is the snow leopard, passing the camera to show a glimpse of the
mysterious being that is the college virgin. Forgive my shyness, my aloofness,
and my cynicism toward romance. The environment of college is not conducive to
my “shortcomings,” and so must I hide.
Sabia, J. Joseph. “READING, WRITING, AND SEX: THE EFFECT OF LOSING VIRGINITY ON ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE.” Wiley Online Library, 17 October 2007, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1465-7295.2007.00056.x. Accessed 21 January 2020.
Shannon, C.L. and Klausner, J.D. “The Growing Epidemic of Sexually Transmitted Infections in Adolescents: A Neglected Population.” NCBI, 30 February 2019, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5856484/. Accessed 21 January 2020.
“Student Population at Cumberland University.” (CU) College Tuition Compare, Accessed 21 January 2020.
Sprecher, Susan and Treger, Stanislav. “Virgin College Students’ Reasons for and Reactions to Their Abstinence From Sex: Results From a 23-Year Study at a Midwestern U.S. University.” Taylor and Francis Online, 10 February 2015, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2014.983633?scroll=top&needAccess=true. Accessed 21 January 2020.
Sprecher, Susan and Regan, Pamela C. “College virgins: How men and women perceive their sexual status.” Taylor and Francis Online, 11 January 2010, Accessed 21 January 2020.
Art by Sheldon McMurtry