Life’s Not Hitting Right

Spoken Word

I wasn’t going to read this but I was hoping it might make everything feel a little less like a dream, a little less serene, or a little less surreal, ‘cause I feel like life is easy from a distance. 

College starts, I’m on cloud nine, and there’s no wind resistance. 

I’m smart and I know who I am. I’ve learned confidence and it shows. 

I’m excited to show off who I’ve become so I wear my confidence on all my clothes so everyone knows. 

And I know my nose is pink. And if you think I’m gonna put down my f*cking blush, you better f*cking hush. 

And I will smile when I d*mn well please. And it is none of your business until I make it your business whether I’m just cute or being a tease. 

I’m proud of my flaws and I own my mistakes. I say what I mean even when my voice shakes. 

And it started to shake more, and I felt this feeling down in my core, something I hadn’t felt before, and my playlist just started to bore, and this feeling wore on me. 

You see, life’s easy from a distance but I felt that distance between me and my friends and my family. I started to feel that distance between me and my best friend when she’s sitting silently right next to me. I started to feel that distance when his skin pressed against mine. I felt that distance between me and the concept of time. 

Because I hate my face and I hate my hair and I hate my clothes and I hate my favorite four walls, but I feel myself when I act like myself but I don’t know the girl and the great big mirror in Memorial Hall. 

Life’s not hitting right and I keep thinking about running away I’m not saying I might, I’m just saying I thought about it 13 times today. And I’m saying I re-write that line every f*cking day. And I’m saying I did run away. I didn’t eat for 3 days and when I came back, nothing changed and I don’t know why I thought it’d be that way. 

And if you see me practicing walking in my stripper heels you better tie me down as fast as you can. Cuz nowadays I am only back on cloud nine when I’m high enough to reach it and hold it in my hands. 

Life’s not hitting right and I’ve had the same nightmare every night for a month and my parents are moving to Pahrump and it feels like I’m in a cartoon that changed animation styles and I can’t tell you if I mean any of my smiles except when I sing Adventure Time music. 

Come along with me, and the butterflies and bees. 

I will never sing this song without crying on my knees. 

Come along with me to a cliff under a tree, where we can gaze upon the water as an everlasting dream. 

I heard that line with the sticker and my mouth and my eyes and were big and my head was in the clouds. 

All of my collections I’ll share them all with you, I’ll be here for you always and always be with you. 

I heard that line and I cried until I soaked my bedding because when I heard that line I heard myself saying it at your wedding. 

And I told you that weeks before I wrote this stupid poem but all you’ve seen me do since then is run away with a boy when I don’t even know him. 

But I wasn’t running away with him, I was running away from here because I have this fear that this feeling only gonna get worse, and I’ll hate everything from here to the hearse, and it hurts.

Time is an illusion that helps things make sense so we’re always living in the present tense. It seems unforgiven when a good thing ends but you and I will always be back then singing will happen happening happened will happen happening happened happened back then. Do you follow me?

I don’t know who I am and I don’t know who to ask. But now I’m faced with the task of a poem. Poems aren’t my thing. I have to rhyme and they’re usually cringy. 

If I talked about what I drew, it’d be 7 and 1/2 minutes of tits, ass, and drugs. If I told you a story, it’d be about candy and hugs. 

‘Cause I’m not as happy as I act myself so I feel myself but I’m not myself because life’s not hitting right. And I was hoping maybe being verbal about it might provide some insight. 

But now all I’ve done is whine about my problems instead of trying to solve them and I hate when y’all complain because inside I feel like I should be ashamed. Because I’m biased. Cuz I’m a virgin stripper who never saw the gun but only forget he had it when I’m at my highest.

I told you my playlist bored me, you ignored me. I love Childish Gambino and Doja Cat but when I don’t know where my friendships, my love life, my career, or my whole life is at, I listen to music from cartoons. 

I think Earth is a pretty great place, that’s saying something cuz I’ve been through outer space. 

Is it any wonder I share her fashion taste? 

I think that strangers are just friends you haven’t met, I’m blasting monsters and I never break a sweat. 

Do you recognize the line or did you forget? I changed the words to elicit laughter so that Little Lolly Polly Pop would live happily ever after.

I don’t know why I wrote a 4-page poem about my feelings and I certainly don’t know why I shared it with any of you because for me, that’s way too revealing but 

I wish my life was an animation, and all my problems were just quirky miscommunication, and all the episodes end with musical education, and everything looked like they do in my hallucinations when I partake in my recreations. 

But it’s not. 

And I can’t express to you my frustration that it’s not but I can express to you my happy revelation 

That if you come with me, then you’ll be, in a world of our imagination. Take a look and you’ll see into my imagination. We’ll begin with a spin traveling in a world of my creation. What we’ll see will defy explanation. If you wanna view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it. Wanna change the world? There’d nothing to it.